Our modest three-bedroom boasts of about 1200+ sq. ft. plus a detached shack garage in our large backyard. Big windows, a hallway long enough for little ones to run up and down, and a pokey kitchen to keep me humble are the very dearest parts of my house. It’s a darling little place with plenty of wear from its 60-ish years and heaven-knows-how-many previous occupants; and though I often bemoan the bigger items on the House To-Dos, I really do love it and delight in the fact that it’s ours.
Of course, more precious than the house itself are the occupants that make it a home. My men (husband, little boy, littler boy, and unborn littlest boy) stomp around the house, fill the air with dinosaur noises and tickle fights, and go through a gallon of milk 2 days after the store. There are mate-less socks under the couch, pairs of boots and sneakers all over, and the looming question of “What’s for dinner?” staring me in the face on a daily basis. There was a time, I’m proud to say, that I felt like I had it all in place – the laundry, the grass-mowing, the “is there any more?” meals; but at some point last summer we all got sick and when you’re sick the housekeeping goes right out the window. I’ve spent the time since trying to recover and simultaneously hide the fact that I’m trying to recover. It turns out drowning doesn’t really look like a butterfly stroke, no matter how hard you splash.
Credit: Magazine illustration, 1954 (colour litho) by English School, (20th century) Private Collection/ © The Advertising Archives/ The Bridgeman Art Library; image from routlettevintage.wordpress.com
Right now it’s 5:15 am on Wednesday and this morning I plan on asking Andrew an all-too-dreaded question: When you come home, what do you want to see done from me during the day? How can I serve you? Yes – in my mind, they’re the same question. To tell you the truth, I’m slightly nerveux about the answer because I know it’ll force me to face my own shortcomings. Andrew is a patient man, sweet and charitable, who would probably admit if bribed with allotted time in a deer stand, that I am the World’s Worst when it comes to execution, follow through, and completion of laundry. The master bedroom that I so desire to be a sanctuary away from children and responsibility is lost somewhere underneath both clean and dirty piles – all items of which probably need the sniff check before being sorted. In addition to the laundry, no doubt a tidy kitchen and fed children would be on his wishlist. Ah yes, I’d love to be Super Wife-n-Mama but in these days of pregnancy fatigue and incessantly taming my beloved Wild Things, I just can’t do it all. (It doesn’t help that I’ve let my copy of A Mother’s Rule of Life collect dust for a few months, so I’ll be picking that back up this week.)
Now, when it comes to taking a stab at Andrew’s list of Honey-Dos for me, I’m shamefully aware of what needs to be done around the house. I was raised in a home where there was a place for everything (with a kitchen drawer for the excess ;) and I took this to an extreme as a new wife with my Type A personality. When it comes to neatness, there are fewer stiffs who are stiffer than I, but I’ve had to let that go in forced humility and in some ways, pure laziness. I think if we all examine the day-to-day standards in our own different homes, it’s pretty clear what needs to be done now and what can wait.
The thing is, I know exactly how I want Andrew to answer the Dreaded Question, “Aw Katie, you’re so good to me. I just need your love and support and my cup will runneth over.”
Mmmm yes – what a sweet answer it will be. And true, too! Though women wonder what men want, I can tell you with ZERO hesitation or uncertainty that what Andrew wants – what he really wants – is a happy, attentive, supportive wife. From my side of things, life goes along more merrily when my hard-workin’ breadwinner is content all around; and from his perspective, I can only imagine the pleasantness of coming home to pleasantness. He wants me to be happy, which means taking care of myself in all areas from the spiritual, to the social, and physical. He wants me to be interested in what he’s interested in, and if I can’t manage that (because my enthusiasm for fishing isn’t as infinite as his), then I should be interested in him – what he thinks, feels, and does. Though men don’t typically chat about their emotions as womenfolk do, Andrew wants my undivided attention when the occasion arises. He wants to feel loved and the Love Language he receives best is acts of service, so preparing meals and running errands for him are a big deal.
I “look well to the ways of my household” because it’s our home – our yard, our crumb-covered floors, and our hungry family. The sweeping, cooking, daytime child-rearing, etc. are all essential to my job description as a housewife, but they are nothing without deliberate love and devotion behind them. Andrew would care little for a hot meal if I didn’t hold his hand, listen to him, laugh with him, and demonstrate general TLC; without all that, I’d be just a nanny and a maid (with free room and board!). What’s important is that I’m present in matters of Andrew’s heart, and supportive in providing a happy and holy home to the best of my ability.
I wish my husband was like that. I have 6 kids ages 10 to 11 months and am pregnant with the seventh. My husband just told me a couple days ago that if I can’t keep the house up to his very high standards, he is going to make me work full time and he will find a nanny who can do it better than me.
Oh goodness, Heidi – I’m so sorry. It sounds like a pretty hefty conversation needs to happen about your expectations and hopes for each other. I will pray for you!
Sounds like he needs a reality check.
Take him up on his offer.
A nanny would be hard to find and extremely costly because your work now is 24/7. A nanny also has a day or two off. You do not. Your husband would be best to do all of the following: 1) hire a cleaning woman for you for 1/2 day every week ( I used to have one for 4 hours a week and what a difference!) 2) support you and encourage the children when you assign them chores (You must have a least 2 or 3 children that could be of major assistance to you and with a ten year old and an 8 year old you shouldn’t need to wash any dishes or counters for example, just cook) 3) give you a copy of A Mother’s Rule of Life ( Gives you the right perspective spiritually if you don’t already have it) 4) assign himself a chore or two (perhaps one particular chore that really annoys him because it never get’s done, after all unless he is working 80+ hours a week his work probably does not equal yours yet ) 5) Love and encourage you because without it where but prayer will you find the motivation to battle on with 6 children. I have read children’s literature that was designed for the last centuries Catholic schools and it clearly teaches the children to ponder the hardworking sacrifice of both the father and the mother and encouraged the children to help both parents. You both should be doing this for your children. I assume that you teach the children to appreciate their father’s sacrifice. He needs to speak to the children and tell them just how hard you work for the family. You do. You are keeping 6 children feed and happy, cooking, laundering, and keeping the house from being a disaster. This probably equals about 2 full time jobs at this point in your life. In the bible it tells the older women to support the younger woman. You could also use the support from your own mother and mother-in-law, and other older female relatives to help your husband understand just what it is you are sacrificing and accomplishing right now.
Definitely praying! Let’s all try St. Rita and St. Monica, mothers and wives who won Heaven for their families.
It’s interesting that I see this post today. Yesterday, I had a moment (in between five loads of laundry; praise God the machines in my building were all empty!) and tending to my three-year-old where I just wanted to scream and throw things at my husband, who was either lounging on the couch or playing some stupid game on the computer. Yes, I know it’s his “day of rest” from work but that doesn’t mean every other responsibility comes to a screeching halt. I left the pile of dishes in the sink after putting the little one down and just went to bed. It was too much. With spouses like that, it can be so difficult to keep loving and keep crying out to God. Thankfully, we know that in our faith, there is redemptive suffering and God can use our sacrifices and pain to help a soul who is in crisis.
I heard a man on Relevant Radio say something I probably will never forget. He said when he was getting married his older brother took him aside and said, “I’m going to tell you the secret to a happy marriage. When you see something needs to be done (dishes, bathroom cleaning, floor mopping, face washing), do it.” The man continued, “It works for me!” I wish all men heard that guy!
Heidi
I will pray for your husband.I will ask Padre Pio to help you as well.
I tell you he has never let me down yet!!!
marriage is actually call to serve eachother,. Service is for BOTH spouses Its a difficult road no doubt about it. I am a bachelor man with time to pray…
Many Blessings
Gerard
How do you know that her husband isn’t giving himself to her in service? Maybe she’s just not cleaning the house like she should and he’s tired of coming home to a dirty house.
True story -There are two women, sister-laws, both have 12 grown children. One married a man who is a leader in Church, the other married a man, who abandoned her and their 12 children, for her to raise alone. There is no comparison as to how much more suffering the second woman and her children, continue to endure. Mother Teresa of Calcutta said, “The only way to holiness, is through suffering. I’ve found women, who have been abandoned by their spouses, to raise their children alone, yet remain faithful, are by far the greatest women I’ve met. They will be found among the greatest Saints. Those who complain when they have an intact family with a spouse who is walking with God and leading them and their children, have much to learn from these suffering servants of God. There are too many today, walking alone, without much support from family and community, today. To these brave women, I take my hat off to them here in this post ! You are my heroes ! Be Blessed !
Katie,
Words of wisdom.. thank you for sharing your wisdom. .Although I am an empty nester, with two grown children, I certainly need to learn more of my new hubby’s (4 years) love language. I am a convert from Protestantism and did not choose wisely as other” isms” were not dealt with before the marriage and ended up causing the death of a marriage. I married potential and not a partner. God definitely allows u-turns as I now 15 years later, have a good Catholic husband, not perfect, but we are both learning to grow in grace, truth, and love.
Thank you for your posts.. They feed the soul.
blessings,
Vanessa
Amen! As much as I want to keep my house tidy and cook fine meals for my hubby, al he wants is that I feed myself while he’s at work (I’m inclined to forget that little duty…) and get the rest I need with our first child only a month old. He gets home and makes sure we’re taken care of before he rests.
Heidi, With six children and one on the way you not only have a full time job but also one with plenty of overtime. You don’t need a nanny you need someone to help you especially while your pregnant. In a Catholic marriage the husband is supposed to cherish his wife.As I heard a priest say recently some men love the obedience part but don’t get the other part of the stipulation. You are the mother who brought seven souls into this world. Hold up your head you deserve respect, expect it With a large family.a messy house goes with the territory, as things move along your environment will become more organized. I am a pretty traditional woman, but traditional marriage means a man respects and cares for his wife and the mother of their children.
I actually envy your husband. He is a lucky man and I wish my wife would read your post but she won’t, I have been married for 22 years, my parents were married for almost 50 years, my mom died 4 months short of the ocassion, they were happiily married because my mom was a loving wife, I saw how she treated my dad and how he in return, treated and loved her. I don’t remember my wife ever telling me anything nice or sweet. Hugs, kisses or holding hands do not happen. She is a good mom but TLC is a foreing concept to her regarding me. I love my kids and I have tried to accept everything for their sake. Next year my daugher will go to College, the first one is already gone and although I have always been faithful to my wife, sometimes I wonder what would I do if a loving lady ever shows up. I don’t want to think about it, but sometimes I can’t avoid it. Your husband is a lucky man indeed.
Goodness, Vic – I’m sorry to read this. Something we learned very early was to charitably discuss our own needs. I try to be sweet to my husband, but there are times now when I’m not and there were even more just a few years ago.
Would you be able to humbly ask your wife to help you? To truly, according to Genesis, be your “helpmate?” Marriage should be about teamwork.
Above all, Christ prizes humble obedience to His will, which includes vocation. Though I’m sure many spouses out there might be prone to Grass-Is-Greener Syndrome, God will bless you abundantly for remaining faithful to the one He chose for you (and who you chose, too!). God bless you and keep you both.
Vic,
My husband and I have a similar dynamic. He is much more affectionate and loving and me, I’m on the other end of the scale……near to cold and detached. :( After many struggles, some counseling and much prayer things have improved for us. Pray for your wife and be open to look into her past experiences. For ex: I grew up in a family that never showed or expressed ANY affection. I never told my parents I loved them till I was 36! I grew up knowing I was loved mainly by the actions of my parents, providing a very nice home and working hard. I didn’t know any different. We all come into marriage with our own distinct baggage. The key is to be able to come together. You may even need to be open to the fact that somewhere in her past may be an experience that could make her uncomfortable to receive physical affection or attention. And if hurt or abused, fear can really mess us up and effect how we relate to the world around us! I still have to make a conscious effort to show physical affection because it is so foreign to my nature that was formed by the actions of my family growing up.
My husband and I have a beautiful family, 8 children, 17 grandchildren and married 40 years. It has not been an easy road! But I plan to spend the rest of my life serving my husband and trying my best to show him through affection and devotion how much I love and appreciate him. I will keep you and your wife in my prayers. Pray for the Spirit to reveal to you how you can help her (God will change her) and to see more clearly how you can be healed as well. God Bless!
Good article. Men: do your best to provide this opportunity for your wives to be wives. A mother, children, and a holy home is the next best thing after Mass!
You should show these to the Vatican. All they need to prove celibacy as a superior way of life. Lol.
another guy comment:
My top priority for my wife is to make sure she gets enough sleep and has a daily prayer time. If those two things happen, negotiating the rest of life goes much better!
As I husband, my aim is to see that my wife gets
-enough sleep and
-has a daily personal prayer time.
With those things in hand, negotiating the rest of life goes much more smoothly. (take either one away, and things will be tough!)
Here are two things that could help you with your housework. After dinner, proclaim “Do your own dish night!” That way, you can do the major clean up, but you get help in a fun sort of way. Also, when your children are little–have them pick up as many toys as their age. They really like this game, and, of course, you can play it over and over until all the toys are picked up.