Tag Archives: Mrs. Right

Not a total Black-Out, but a Great Minimalization

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The yearly struggle with what to sacrifice for Lent came as expected. Facebook? The whole Internet? There’s no doubt about it that it’s the computer that I allow to stand in the way of my becoming a more disciplined person. I get so irked when others spend too much time online. And then I realized that old truth – the fact that what we often recognize in others can be found within ourselves - directly applied to me.

It was while this thought and discernment process was going on when I read this blog post. The author, Lindsay, is a friend of my sister’s and she’s a very thoughtful wife and mother. She proposed not just ridding herself of Facebook or extra time online, but the computer entirely. Taking a few weeks to prep for this endeavor – letting people know how to contact her, organizing finances so she wouldn’t need online banking – I can tell you with complete certainty that Lindsay’s computer is OFF this very minute, and will be for the duration of Lent.

Now, there are a few things I must use my computer to do, like writing articles for the Catholic Connection, but aside from what is absolutely necessary, I intend to follow Lindsay’s example of purging myself from all things computer related. I need more time to pray. I NEED more time to pray and I will have it. I need more time to devote to my vocation and family and I will have it. It’s amazing – the night before I began my efforts, I felt so free considering the day ahead, like I had a day off. Don’t misunderstand me – I’m not saying that the computer is bad. Not at all, it’s my constant inclination to sit down at it that is decreasing my quality of life.

I will resume blogging after Easter, and until then, use the time to journal, take care of my husband and family, and best and most importantly, PRAY. I will invite Christ to take over my life and will be infinitely happier for it.

Again, I encourage you to read Linday’s post on this challenge and consider to participate in all of it, or at least some. Go outside. Take your dog for a walk. Play with your children. Cuddle with your spouse. Love God and devote all of your time to Him.

Dusting Off Ambition

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A new post is overdue.

I’m a big project starter. I LOVE projects – in school I loved them and now I love them in my home; but when it comes to keeping up with a personal project, I’m typically a lit match: quick to flare up, quick to burn out. For years I’ve maintained the start-up motivation to keep a regular work-out schedule, journal daily, have a  regular prayer time – you get the gist. And while I might have a good first week with my sparkling endeavors, my persistence lags and the goal dissolves with the newness. I have a difficult time getting over the slump of something once the freshness has faded – am I alone on this one? My goal list is beautifully written with great intentions and bright visions of how my life will be once I start running and praying a Rosary every day – but that life of Accomplished Katie isn’t fully realized.

YET.

I write this in an effort to somehow shield my blog from becoming a dusty old project from way back when. I’m resolved to conquer the slump of Worn Off Novelty and to persist in my reflections on being a Catholic wife. Writing my thoughts, whether they’re read or not, has furthered my endeavors toward happy holiness and servitude to God and Andrew, and now Liam too. Though through other projects I have waxed and waned and let ambition go, this an occasion when I vow to not disappoint myself. I love God and holy marriage and writing – what better way to combine the three?

The idea of New Year’s resolutions tempts me and most years I don’t make even one; so many people set themselves up for failure and disappointment in their quick-starts, and I’m certainly no exception. This year however, as I sit 45 minutes away from New Year’s Eve, I have discovered the key to success is recalling twofold advice: the first, from Socrates, “Know thyself” and the second from the Archangel Gabriel, “For with God nothing will be impossible” (Luke 1:37). In knowing myself, I will be aware of my strenghts and weaknesses and so in establishing a New Year’s resolution based on these, I am really setting myself up for success instead of failure – ESPECIALLY if I submit all my goals to God.

So c’mon 2011 – hit me with your best shot.

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To Hear is To Obey

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After going a few years without reading it, I picked up The Rule of St. Benedict again last week. I remembered that it has an entire chapter on humility and because I’ve felt so drawn to that particular virtue lately, I wanted to dive in for more. Chapter 7 of The Rule is on humility. Chapter 5, however, begins “The first step of humility is unhesitating obedience…” How perfect! In considering how to practice all of the steps of humility, especially in application to marriage, I wondered how to begin. Like humility, practicing holy obedience to God and spouse is more easily said than done.

Everyone understands obedience in a parent/child sense: “Katie, please clean your room.” “But WHY?” “Because I said so.”

And I would say that most understand what obedience to God is: “Thy will be done” and “I am the handmaid of the Lord, be it done unto me according to thy word.”

But what about in marriage? When it comes to this context, I think the comprehension and mastery are not as common. Unfortunately, the secular understanding of obedience is dominated by the parent/child perspective. Try stirring this into your marriage and it’ll add such animosity and bitterness that you risk ruining the pot. Practicing true, holy obedience however, will add sweetness to your relationship and serenity to both your soul and your spouse’s. Holy obedience is dying to yourself – sacrificing the love of your own will for the love of your spouse. It’s certainly a tough way to express love, but when you do, no one can doubt it. Love gives. Love focuses on others and seeks their good, while sin focuses inward, often at the expense of others.

There is a feminist response to the idea of obeying one’s husband and it’s that a woman will become a doormat – a slave to her slacker husband who sits on the couch mumbling for another cold one. “Women nowadays are much too strong in mind and spirit to stoop to such a level. This isn’t the 1950s.” This sort of perspective is focused on oneself. Anyone more concerned with serving him/herself is bound to be disgusted by the idea making sacrifices for a spouse. “My husband’s a grown man. Let him make his own dinner.”

The Picture of Obedience: Obedience in marriage is service with an added twist of someone else’s wants and needs. If I want to check my Facebook and hang out online for while, but Andrew asks for help grading his tests or putting together music for a jam session at a coffee shop, I should assist him out of obedience. I love him more than my own will and know that in serving and obeying him, I invest myself in my vocation and in God. 

But why practice obedience? Not only will this kind of humility bless your home, but in practicing it, you imitate the humility of Christ in a huge way! A Christian, by definition, is someone who subscribes to and imitates the actions of Christ. Jesus lived to do the will of the Father and sought to please the Father in everything he did. As Christian married people, we’re called to have this same enthusiasm and devotion toward honoring God through honoring spouse. Vocation.

When there is holy obedience in marriage, there’s no opportunity for a husband to walk all over his wife. When a woman’s obedience is grounded in love of God and her spouse, and a husband’s decisions are in union with the will of God, peace will wash over your home. The children in this house will respect their parents and themselves, too. What a blessing to your family!

A person might respond, “Sure – this’ll work. In a perfect world! My spouse isn’t the type to appreciate obedience” and therein lies the challenge: in order for all of this to work, a shift in mindset is necessary: you have to go all the way back to your wedding day. Holy obedience fits perfectly naturally in marriage. In fact, it’s already built-in to the marriage vows: “I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.” And not only this, but it makes sense with why you married your spouse in the first place – didn’t you get married to THIS person because you were crazy about him/her? Take up every opportunity to demonstrate this! Marriage is not about one person or the other, it’s not even about two people, but rather three. “Where a lone man may be overcome, two together can resist. A three-ply cord is not easily broken.” (Eccl. 4:12).

So! How to carry it out:

  • Pray and be willing to try it. A stubborn refusal to grow in virtue will yield ZERO good in any relationship.
  • Seek opportunities to practice obedience cheerfully because “God loves a cheerful giver”: “…obedience, however, will be acceptable to God and agreeable to men only if compliance with what is commanded is… free from any grumbling or any reaction of unwillingness” (The Rule 5:14). What good is an offer of service is there isn’t any love behind it?
  • Practicing obedience in this way is liberating, rather than enslaving. To serve others is to serve Christ. To serve Christ is certain joy.

I appreciate any other insight into this. I’m trying to learn and practice all of this myself!

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Weekly Snapshot:

  • A great feature of WordPress is that I can write a post, then schedule it to be published at a certain time (do other sites have this too?). This post is scheduled for release at 8 am, Monday the 25th. By then, I’ll be a half hour into my surgery. Please pray that God blesses and guides the hands of my surgeon and the rest of my doctors.
  • Because of my surgery, all my extended family in the area are helping with Liam and my mom is even flying in from Omaha this coming Saturday. I can’t wait. I’m blessed with such a generous family!
  • Our electric bill was a whopping $30 cheaper this month than last! I relish in omitting the thermostat. While living frugally can be a chore or a depressing burden, it can be a great game. How many ways can I avoid using electricity for the sake of bringing our bill down? It’s like playing Don’t Spend a Penny.
  • I started reading Jane Eyre for the first time. Just reading the first few pages was like taking a deep, refreshing breath. This is exactly the sort of book I’ve been seeking to read under our down comforter before bed.

One Decision at a Time

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Andrew and I are not in shape. At all. Despite years of fantasizing about being in shape and feeling good about myself, I’ve never adopted the corresponding lifestyle, as all of my efforts have fluctuated between extremes; no exercise to way too much. I’m a match – a quick flare of excitement that blazes and dies as fast as it ignites. I was thinking just the other day as I caught myself looking jealously at some other twenty-something woman who was thinner than I, that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I’m in my TWENTIES for cryin’ out loud – I should feel wonderful! I should feel on top of my game – so why am I not?

Admittedly, I submit to the farce that if you’ve had a baby, you just gain permanent weight. Oh well. Get used to your new, flabby figure. I make excuses for myself, such as this one, that mentally trap me in a cyclical rut. I can’t be healthier because of x, y, or z. Wah wah wah…  and here I am, almost 4 months postpartum and though my body is better, my mind isn’t.

NO LONGER :)

At least I hope. I don’t want to go to extremes again and start working out like a crazy person; and I’m not in the position to take things “one day at a time.” I need to take them one decision at a time; and it’s working. I’m not sure how, but within the last 10 days, I’ve lost 4 lbs. I’ve seen the figure on the scale decrease little by little; and each time I’ve been tempted to eat something sugary or very clearly bad for me, I’ve imagined the number decreasing by just 1. I’m now officially 5 lbs. lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight and it is amazingly motivating. “One more pound,” I tell myself. The temptation to sweetness doesn’t instantly disappear, but it certainly fades, making it easier to deny. 

Additionally, I’ve been occupying myself with home improvements. We just bought a house and have been unpacking, organizing, moving furniture around to optimal arrangements, etc. I have a lot less time to pay attention to my tendency to peck at the fridge if I’m sorting through stuff for Goodwill.  

So here’s to making my life better, not for myself only, however. When I’m more confident, I’m happier and it spreads to Andrew and improves our marriage. I’m sure it will overflow to Liam as well. More water, less junk. More exercise, less sitting.

God, order the beginning, direct the progress, and perfect the achievement of my work!

The Essentials

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When I was a freshman at Benedictine, my friend Allison and I were discussing what it takes to be “Mrs. Right.” I’m not sure what her source was, but she gave me a list of qualifications that seem to fit the bill.  According to this list, “Mrs. Right” must possess the following:

1)      a strong relationship with Christ
2)      a positive self-image
3)      She should be generally happy and have a positive outlook on life
4)      self-control
5)      financial carefulness
6)      good friendships and relationships
7)      she should be nurturing and a good mother (if there are indeed children present)
8)      she should be supportive and encouraging
9)      she should have dreams and goals that her husband can help her fulfill
10)   and she should enjoy hobbies and be adventurous

By no means an exhaustive list, but pretty close. When I first read this list, the only thing that I thought to improve was #1 – #1 can always use improvement; we can never be close enough to Christ. I’m much more self-aware now than I was as an 18 year old – I examine each item in relation to my own soul and I shake my head in disbelief at how not together I am. 

These days #2 has been on my mind more often – I admire women who have positive self-images and am disheartened at those who never cease to pick at themselves. I know so many women who have insatiable appetites for looking good and getting noticed; but there’s a keen difference between constantly seeking to be put on a pedestal and having a positive self-image; even now, I feel as if I’m just starting to grasp the concept, and it’s definitely a reality check. Catholic wives should work toward having a positive self-image, grounded in #1. A good relationship with Christ can’t help but yield good self-perception – it’s the most effective beautification, for sure. And look what it gets you – if you feel good about yourself, that you’re beautiful because of God’s love, it manifests itself in how you present yourself to others – confident, happy, grounded – certainly admirable, noticeable qualities in a woman.   

A woman who thinks more often of being adored than of adoring Christ can never, will never be satisfied. “A Catholic wife should step off the platform of a goddess” to assume the humility and honor of her role as a wife. I don’t really think that this applies to just wifehood either – women in general should realize the beauty in holy femininity and chase it! In the linked page, there’s another quotation that I think nails it – A goddess wants to be adored, a humble wife loves her family with all her might. Behold: the secret of life, though admittedly all her might is a pretty hefty phrase – a pretty intimidating mountain to scale, but isn’t that where true joy is to be found? It doesn’t matter whether some stranger thinks that I have pretty blue eyes or if everyone thinks that I’m just so sweet. What matters at the end of the day is whether or not I’m loving God and Drew. 

I think if goddesses put as much energy into continuing to attract their husbands as they do the general public, they’d be much happier. A man commented in Dr. Laura’s book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, (subject of a future post, for sure!) that he found it discouraging when his wife stopped trying to impress him after they tied the knot. When you’re dating you spend forever getting ready and making yourself all cute, but when you get married and he comes home from work, you’re sloppy in sweats. I read that St. Elizabeth of Hungary would dress as a widow when her husband was away, and when he came home, she would dress in her best and brightest clothes to pretty herself up for him. It seems like such a simple concept, but I am so inspired by it! to impress the man after you’re married!  

 And thus is the end of catholic wifehood, and so the essence of happiness: to pursue the love of Christ and husband with all your might.