______________________________ A goddess wants to be adored; but a humble wife reigns in her home, always pouring herself out adoring God through serving her husband and children.
The Queen with the Humble Crown
Tag Archives: wife
This & That
I couldn’t think of any one topic I wanted to digest, so here are a bunch of little thoughts:
Daily Ritual
I have attained the discipline to become a daily-Masser. Andrew has been just wonderful in helping me achieve the motivation to counter any personal hesitation. On the days when I don’t have the virtue to get myself there, it’s enough knowing that I’m responsible for Liam’s exposure to all things Catholic; and more so, since Andrew has asked me to go each day, I do it out of spousal obedience as well. When we’re both prayerful and humble, our marriage is a million times better and we communicate beautifully.
In the News
I recently got a job as a copy writer for our diocesan magazine! My first article is being published TOMORROW and I can’t wait to see it in print! On the otherhand, I’m super nervous too because I know that my short blurb on being a Catholic wife is going to be in the mailboxes of everyone in our diocese – YIKES! God is so good to me. In addition to writing a few articles here and there, I’ll be doing a regular column called Domestic Church starting in July or August. I love marriage so much, my own especially, and God even more so – I can’t wait to be able to put my passion toward this kind of ministry.
Website Recommendation
For the kids or just for you! Check out kids-in-mind.com before you head to the theater or add a movie to your Netflix queue. It’s a great way to check a movie’s sexual, violent, or profane content before you see it and is far more effective than the current standard ratings. Think up a couple of movies that you think are acceptable, search for them on the site, and use that as a reference of severity per category. While some movies from the mid-nineties and back aren’t there, kids-in-mind.com covers most (if not all) movies from then to now. Andrew and I use it all the time and if a movie has ratings that are too high, we nix it from our list.
Purge Week & the NO BABY ZONE
- Two weeks ago, I declared a PURGE WEEK for my wardrobe and a few closets in the house. I got a full trashbag of give-aways from my closet and dresser and then I filtered through each load of laundry, setting aside at least two pieces of my own clothing. I can’t believe how many t-shirts I had [have] that I don’t wear. Some items weren’t fit to donate to GoodWill - holey high school t-shirts and a pair of old sweats, for example – so I took some scissors to them and made a small pile of rags to keep in the garage. I was so proud of my resourcefulness :)
- Our room has officially become a “NO BABY ZONE.” Liam’s stuff is all over our house: in the kitchen, in the dining room, in the family room, in the bathroom, a few little things in the guest room, and then he has his OWN room; so in an effort to truly make the master bedroom our sanctuary, I rid it of of any and all toys, socks, ointments, teething rings, etc. We do away with extra clutter, AND it makes the space a little more sacred. We still let Liam play with his toys in there, but as soon as he exits, so does his stuff without a moment’s delay. And a sanctuary it has become.
BONUS – In My Kitchen: [Almost] Guiltless Peanut Butter Pie
8 oz. lite Cool Whip
8 oz. lite cream cheese
1 c powdered sugar
1 c reduced fat PB (crunchy or creamy)
Whip it up in a large bowl and put into a ready-made graham cracker crust – freeze for a couple of hours to firm it up and baddabing! it’s done. The pie stands on its own feet, but I like to top mine with crushed pretzels and a swirl of cholate syrup. Savor this sweet recipe courtesy of my sister Jennifer!
Second ½ of the Humble Pie Challenge
All right – here goes the 2nd half of Mother Teresa’s Humility List as applied to married laity (For the first half, see my last post). Again, my thoughts aren’t by any means exhaustive and do not necessarily cover all situations, but I think generally there’s a good thing going here:
9. Accept insults and injuries.
No red lights on the morning commute. Someone comments as you walk by, “Hey, lookin’ good today!” The boss compliments your work. Good family dinner. Kids go down without a problem. That night you pray,”Thank you, Lord, for such a great day!” because you acknowledge that these good things were from him. Consider the opposite – someone cuts you off on the way to work, the boss is in a bad mood and is spreading it, and at the end of the day, you go home to Chaos Castle with sick or whiny kids. Do you thank God that the wreck of a day is over or do you thank him for it with the same joy as you did the day before? Mother Teresa noted, “We’ve accepted all the good things, we should accept [the bad] too.” My husband put it well, “God uses more than just sunshine and flowers to move in your soul.” Anything and everything can draw us closer to him with humility.
10. Accept contempt, being forgotten and disregarded.
A person’s value lies in God alone. SO hard to recall and recognize! When experiencing #10, my heart of glass shatters and in addition to being instantly forlorn, I become defensive and anxious; however, the confidence that comes with seeking to please God only is really great. When you place your value/dignity in other things (how cute your kids are, how organized you are, how many hits on your blog, etc.), then you allow it to be taken away when they fail. No wonder people are slighted when they’re disliked or ignored.
11. Be courteous and delicate even when provoked by someone.
There’s no sense in fighting fire with fire. Even the most tense disagreements Andrew and I have had have been settled in a spirit of charity and rationale – speaking from raw emotion does no good. Dr. Rioux at Benedictine once said in class, “My wife and I don’t look at disagreements as fights to be won by one side or the other, but rather as a rational attempt to arrive at the truth together.” And really, when you look at that way, that you and your spouse are a team fighting on the same side for what is good, you can’t go wrong.
12. Do not seek to be admired and loved.
Serve others for the sake of serving others, not for the sake of being acknowledged. I just read on my friend Erin’s blog (Humble Handmaid) that “service done in the spirit of needing or expecting thanks isn’t the kind of service that makes healthy relationships, marriages, and families.” Of course, it’s very nice to be admired and loved, but let that come naturally instead of chasing after it.
13. Do no protect yourself behind your own dignity.
Christ, King of Kings, washed the feet of his disciples. So it goes without saying that, I, a small soul far beneath the heavenly throne, certainly must avail myself of any opportunity to serve others, especially my husband and child. When I went to camp as a kid (SO fun, Catholic, all girls, all week), one of the activities we did was give each other pedicures. As awkward tweens, we hated the idea of touching someone else’s feet, but the camp director, observing our hesitation, gently reminded us, “Your Lord and Savior did this ladies – it is not beneath you.”
14. Give in, in discussions, even when you are right.
It happens: a difference of strong opinions can lead to a battle of wills. So certain of your own correctness, you refuse to back down, determined to convince your opponent to agree with you. But with a dash of humility, you can let the situation lie because your happiness doesn’t rely on someone else knowing that you’re right. If you know you’re right and the other person refuses to believe it, you can simply state your point and if he/she is unwilling to hear it, say a prayer and move on. Sometimes you have to let it go and consider this: does convincing this person make you more correct than you already were? or more importantly, happier or more humble?
15. Choose always the more difficult task.
Maybe not when it comes down to hand-washing or letting the dishwasher take care of the dried-cereal bowls, but I think most agree that habitually taking the path of least resistance won’t lead one to much virtue. Habitually facing challenges, however, imparts more knowledge, experience, and humility.
In applying this list to my life, married laity, I’ve understood the truth that all things are fleeting. Everything in this life will end, even my marriage (til death do us part, right?). I want to make sure I’m putting stock in God – everlasting, omnipotent, all-loving. Humility is realizing that love of God is #1 and proper love for yourself, your spouse, children, friends, etc. will follow naturally.
Weekly Life Snapshot:
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Andrew, Liam, and I had a family dance party to Jamiroquai’s “Canned Heat” on Saturday night – Liam was in his Johnny Jump Up and had a blast bouncing while Andrew and I showcased our best moves. I love having a family.
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I’m having surgery on Wednesday. I have pregnancy-induced gall stones so I have to have my gall bladder out. I’ve heard good things about the procedure and recovery time, so I’m not too concerned. The downside is, though I’ll be able to hold Liam, I’m not permitted to pick him up for a couple of weeks. Local extended family are going to assist with that challenge AND my mom’s coming in, too. I can’t wait (until AFTER that is). Please pray for me – I’m a little nervous about going under.
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Liam has learned how to give kisses!
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I celebrated my weekly, Monday Bake Off on Saturday – making a batch of granola and some white-chocolate covered strawberries. The strawberries weren’t much to look at, but they were good anyway.
Humble Pie CHALLENGE Part 1
I hope I get to Heaven. I especially hope that my marriage ultimately furthers my endeavors by way of Andrew drawing me closer to Christ and holiness (so far, so good!). I married Andrew because of who he is and I wanted to contribute to his happiness. I didn’t marry him solely because of what he could do for me (I did perceive that he could help me become a better person). Marriage, as well as life on a grander scale, is about service to others. I have it from experience that when I’m focused on others, I’m happy. When I choose to fix my thoughts on myself, serve only myself, fret over what I want, I’m a poor, miserable soul. (If only I could have this clarity of thought all the time!) It’s also good to treat myself to doing activities that I enjoy because these refreshments add a spark to my day and a bounce in my step, making me a more pleasant addition to our family. This being said, I have addressed each item of Mother Teresa’s steps toward humility in light of being lay, being a wife, and being a mother.
When I gave the list to my spiritual director, he suggested that I rewrite them; not to correct Mother Teresa by any means, but to adjust the list more specifically to suit my situation – married laity. In some cases, it’s easier to describe what the item does NOT imply, rather than its direct meaning. Below is part 1 of my efforts, numbers 1-8. I don’t consider my thoughts to be at all exhaustive:
1. Speak as little as possible about yourself. I need to make sure I’m giving Andrew the time of day, so to speak. Make sure he has the opportunity to talk about himself - things going on at work, thoughts on life, preferences, etc. I shouldn’t hog our “how-was-your-day” time.
2. Keep busy with your own affairs and not those of others. Mind your own business :) In application to us, we should discuss what we can better in our own relationship rather than dwelling on the short-comings or successes of other marriages (that is, committing the sins of pride or envy toward other marriages; it’s perfectly acceptable to admire the strengths in other relationships or to learn valuable lessons from mistakes made in others)
3. Avoid curiosity. This one is a bit difficult, but in my so-far limited understanding, I think it encourages a person to keep focus on what is good only. “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)
4. Do not interfere in the affairs of others. It is my task to attend to my own family matters, not to stick my nose into the affairs of others. If a person should seek my advice, I can give it and leave things at that, but I shouldn’t meddle in others’ problems.
5. Accept small irritations with good humor. I can’t remember which of my sister’s friends it is who used to dread making coffee for her husband in the morning. It was just one of those things. She added a bit of perspective to little pet peeves (picking up dirty socks, sweeping up tracked-in mud, etc.) by saying, “Someday, he won’t be here for me to make coffee for him.” Life is short – why fuss over something so insignificant when you could spend that time humbly serving your spouse? To serve others is to serve Christ; to serve Christ is certain joy.
6. Do not dwell on the faults of others. With regard to marriage, if I’m so fixed on the downfalls of others’ marriages, then I blind myself to the flaws in my own, allowing whatever flaws there are to sit stagnant or grow. No good.
7. Accept censures even if unmerited. Both of my older siblings have been married to their spouses for over 5 years and from those two wonderful marriages have come 10 beautiful babies. What is astonishing is that numerous strangers have audaciously and sarcastically commented to both my sister and sister-in-law, “You know what causes that, right?” or “Do you drive a bus??” Truly unmerited censures, most of the time, don’t deserve a response. If a response is necessary, it should be developed under the wing of Christian charity and presented with humility.
8. Give in to the will of others. Andrew wants the room arranged one way, I want it another; is it really worth getting into a battle of the wills? If such a little thing contributes to his happiness, then it should contribute to mine as well. Don’t misunderstand me here: I don’t mean that if anything makes him happy, then I should just submit to it, i.e. playing video games for 23 hours straight. Rather, as my friend Erin (Humble Handmaid) reminds her readers, don’t sweat the small stuff.
Mother Teresa’s Humble Pie
I’m sentimental. My appreciation for nostalgia is a balanced one now, but when I was a kid I kept everything because of the “meaning” behind it. Homework assignments, feathers from the backyard, stuffed animals I didn’t even like; my room was a mess of clutter and I was proud of everything I had that collected dust. In one of my several “memory drawers,” was a photo album stuffed with holy cards. I had a million for every occasion, most of which didn’t apply to a 7 year old – marriage, death of a child, ordination, lost causes. Sifting through my collection while packing up for college, I came upon a yellowed, laminated scrap of paper: Mother Teresa’s Humility List. I was 17 or so and thought a few of the items were over-the-top then, but now the blow of the challenge is HUGE.
Mother Teresa’s Humility List
1. Speak as little as possible about yourself.
2. Keep busy with your own affairs and not those of others.
3. Avoid curiosity.
4. Do not interfere in the affairs of others.
5. Accept small irritations with good humor.
6. Do not dwell on the faults of others.
7. Accept censures even if unmerited.
8. Give in to the will of others.
9. Accept insults and injuries.
10. Accept contempt, being forgotten and disregarded.
11. Be courteous and delicate even when provoked by someone.
12. Do not seek to be admired and loved.
13. Do no protect yourself behind your own dignity.
14. Give in, in discussions, even when you are right.
15. Choose always the more difficult task.
What a challenge! The more I consider this list, the more questions I have. How do I avoid feeling hurt if the opportunity to practice #10 (accepting contempt, disregard) comes up? How do I apply #7 (accepting censures) or #14 (giving in even when right) without becoming a door mat, letting people walk all over me? Or is the idea to become one? Christ was not so I’m sure the answer to the latter is no. I suppose in order to practice these items devoutly, a person has to have a profoundly deep sense that his dignity lies in God alone. Why would I seek to be admired and loved by others if I need only to be loved by God – and I already am! so there!
Pride is a horse pill - hard to swallow. I’m so eager to work on this and develop my understanding of not only this list, but of humility on a grander scale. What are the best ways to practice humility as a wife and mother? As a friend? Sizing up the items on my scrap piece of paper makes me feel small and I can’t help but shake my head at my own soul and behavior. Bottoms up.
For more Humble Pie, try on the Litany of Humility.
WANTED: Friends
Making friends was such a piece of cake in college. If you were down the hall from someone, you could be best friends after a week of leaving for class at the same time. Everyone was unmarried and babyless; and thus free to stay out after midnight. “It’s 1 AM – who wants a double cheeseburger?”
I graduated from that life, got married, and moved to a new town two weeks later. And since then, I’ve missed having a good network of friends. Friends who have a similar walk in life – young, Catholic, wife, mom. Too much to ask? Over a bowl of cereal the other day, I looked at Andrew and said, “I need friends. So I think I’m going to place an ad for some.”
In a nervous effort to further my own social life, I emailed my pastor to get approval for declaring to the parish that Katie Sciba needs to see more people. I told him that I’d like to turn my own need into a minor ministry of sorts, starting what I’ve coined as a “Chaplet & Chat” group to meet every so often. He LOVED the idea and said that I’ll have full backing from him.
GOOD DEAL. This effort serves a twofold purpose – I’ve wanted to get involved in something outside of my home and I’ve wanted to meet more people so bada BING! Our first get-together will be September 29th – just when it starts thinking about cooling off here. We’ll meet at a park somewhere and after saying a Chaplet of Divine Mercy, we’ll pick-a-little-talk-a-little while the kids rollick on the monkey bars. This past week has been the first that Andrew is back at work all day and I have seriously missed having another person around. Another person who doesn’t suck his fist or smile at me while he “makes a surprise.” Liam is great, but the strong, silent type. He doesn’t contribute much to conversations.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not completely deprived of friendships or socialization. I see plenty of people during my week and maintain some good one-on-one connections. Meeting new people though, has always been a thrill for me, and since it looks like we’ll be staying in Shreveport for a bit, it’s time to invest.
The Essentials
When I was a freshman at Benedictine, my friend Allison and I were discussing what it takes to be “Mrs. Right.” I’m not sure what her source was, but she gave me a list of qualifications that seem to fit the bill. According to this list, “Mrs. Right” must possess the following:
1) a strong relationship with Christ
2) a positive self-image
3) She should be generally happy and have a positive outlook on life
4) self-control
5) financial carefulness
6) good friendships and relationships
7) she should be nurturing and a good mother (if there are indeed children present)
8) she should be supportive and encouraging
9) she should have dreams and goals that her husband can help her fulfill
10) and she should enjoy hobbies and be adventurous
By no means an exhaustive list, but pretty close. When I first read this list, the only thing that I thought to improve was #1 – #1 can always use improvement; we can never be close enough to Christ. I’m much more self-aware now than I was as an 18 year old – I examine each item in relation to my own soul and I shake my head in disbelief at how not together I am.
These days #2 has been on my mind more often – I admire women who have positive self-images and am disheartened at those who never cease to pick at themselves. I know so many women who have insatiable appetites for looking good and getting noticed; but there’s a keen difference between constantly seeking to be put on a pedestal and having a positive self-image; even now, I feel as if I’m just starting to grasp the concept, and it’s definitely a reality check. Catholic wives should work toward having a positive self-image, grounded in #1. A good relationship with Christ can’t help but yield good self-perception – it’s the most effective beautification, for sure. And look what it gets you – if you feel good about yourself, that you’re beautiful because of God’s love, it manifests itself in how you present yourself to others – confident, happy, grounded – certainly admirable, noticeable qualities in a woman.
A woman who thinks more often of being adored than of adoring Christ can never, will never be satisfied. “A Catholic wife should step off the platform of a goddess” to assume the humility and honor of her role as a wife. I don’t really think that this applies to just wifehood either – women in general should realize the beauty in holy femininity and chase it! In the linked page, there’s another quotation that I think nails it – A goddess wants to be adored, a humble wife loves her family with all her might. Behold: the secret of life, though admittedly all her might is a pretty hefty phrase – a pretty intimidating mountain to scale, but isn’t that where true joy is to be found? It doesn’t matter whether some stranger thinks that I have pretty blue eyes or if everyone thinks that I’m just so sweet. What matters at the end of the day is whether or not I’m loving God and Drew.
I think if goddesses put as much energy into continuing to attract their husbands as they do the general public, they’d be much happier. A man commented in Dr. Laura’s book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, (subject of a future post, for sure!) that he found it discouraging when his wife stopped trying to impress him after they tied the knot. When you’re dating you spend forever getting ready and making yourself all cute, but when you get married and he comes home from work, you’re sloppy in sweats. I read that St. Elizabeth of Hungary would dress as a widow when her husband was away, and when he came home, she would dress in her best and brightest clothes to pretty herself up for him. It seems like such a simple concept, but I am so inspired by it! to impress the man after you’re married!
And thus is the end of catholic wifehood, and so the essence of happiness: to pursue the love of Christ and husband with all your might.
